Shithouse rat

I'm a bipolar writer in the Naked City. I'm not playing with a full deck. I don't have all my dots on the dice. My cheese is sliding off my cracker. I don't have both oars in the water. I'm a bubble off plum. In other words, I'm crazier than a shithouse rat. These are my stories. Comments--short or long, nasty or nice--always welcome!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

SIZZLING HOT Comment of the year!!!

This just in:

The very wise, tolerant, and blog-savvy Squid has weighed in on my disgraceful and craven "begging" for comments to my comments on another blog!

Seems there's been a bit of a hubbub going on since I commented to one site about the fact that most of the recent comments I observed were between her and Satan, a fellow blogpal, and that other comments seemed to be disregarded. See The politics of comments.
for the backstory and juicy, flaming feedback from Squid-boy.

The blogger in question thanked me for my input and said that this had not been intentional, and she was sorry about the fact that I had (understandably) misinterpreted her silence.

Sure enough, the very next day Satan posted a big FUCK YOU to his loyal fans and has seemingly boycotted his own blog.

A few of his frantic, sycophantic fans have subsequently put two and three together and decided that I, Elvira Black, the all powerful blogger extraordinarire, who can change the course of might rivers, bend steel with her bare hands, and walk on water, is the cause for Satan's little sabbatical.

Who woulda thought it?

I guess I really am a mean, cruel bitch. Well, here's hoping my little rant helps your hit count, Squidmeister--it could definitely use a boost!

So beware, fellow bloggers--if you aren't behaving to my liking, I will smote thee verily!

59 Comments:

At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Yzabel said...

Eh, as I always say: "only truth hurts". Now they can go add two and two with that as well.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger SafeTinspector said...

Oh, I know, I know! That's four, right?

I always wonder why someone would ignore the comments of a visitor. Why even accept comments, right?

Of course, I only followed about a third of this post seeing as how I am not initiated into the world of the various participants.

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Yzabel:

Ah, but I know the wily ways of the Devil; he speaketh grave falsehoods, and leadeth the people astray(ith) and shit....

 
At 1:11 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

The world of the various participants lies deep beneath the bowels of the earth where the eternal fires burneth and the Desolate One rules...

I prayeth now for the souls of those like Squid who Satan hath posesseth. Behold, I will exorcise the demon:

I cast thee OUT, unclean spirit!

 
At 1:39 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Squidolious maximus:

Where the hell ya been, guy? I was beginning to think you'd dropped your whole load with that one scathingly insightful comment on my Politics of Comments post.

I see the spirit of Satan still residith within you, my poor 30-something child. Well, there's always a few holdouts in every crowd.

Anyway, thank you for responding again because as a matter of fact, my panties WERE getting into a heck of a knot and I felt really really hurt that you'd leave me hanging this way.

Since you've been busy worshipping Satan in his dark, evil underworld for so many centuries, perhaps you haven't heard the news flash:

I, for one, live in the USA where opinions are freely spewed out like farts. But I know that what you've written thus far is not anything as crass as an opinion, but just you trying to get me to THINK, bless your squiddly soul....

It's easy to have the choice as to whether to respond or not to comments if you never get any! Sad to say, I do have that existential dilemma thrust upon me.

By the way--I saw Satan's comments to your offerings of worship to his blog. I've got some news for you my boy--he doesn't dig you. The contemptous insults he so freely bestows on you would be my first clue.

And verily I say unto you--Satan must be very insulted by the notion that you would consider him to be such a pussy that he would run away like a girlie man because of lil' ol me.

You're beautiful, babe. Don't ever change...

 
At 2:16 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Safetinspector:

Almost forgot--thanks for visiting. I'm checking you out. Anyone who likes New Order and Stereolab is ok in my book.

But SafeT--if I leave a comment on your site, won't you pretty pleazzz answer it? I get very upset and cry a whole bunch and stuff when people don't reply....mean people suck!

Sincerely yours in Christ,
E

 
At 4:04 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Oh, Squidly:

One more thing. In the interest of fairness, I've taken another peek at your blog and was happy to note that you do, indeed, receive comments.

Hope you'll still have some spare time for me.

Smoochies,

E

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Hi I'm Suzie found you off of Squid's Site Meter.

It seems you were a target as well of cruelty. He wrote a whole filthy damn post and now another one about ME. Boy did I get lucky to get TWO! Both attacking and blaming me for his computer problems! I had noticed he also made a NASTY Statement to you too. (I did not check to see if it was there last time I visited though)Actually I did not understand you because I had not heard of who you were.

However he did go back and sugar coat with edits of his vile, filthy written post blaming me for viruses and telling everyone awful untrue things about me and why they should not visit my blog, but this was ONLY after comments of my readers went there in my defensive.

On my site I had close to 20 people stating the truth about me and my blog. (That they had NEVER had a single problem w/my site)

Now I see what he said to you, that was terrible and so vicious! (his comment on here)Plus stating the 2 Word Statment on his post FU! In ref: to you!

Not completely sure about the dispute, but at least I do not have to worry about him saying these things to me on my blog, since now he claims he gets a virus from me (I and others have proven that to be UNTRUE)

In my case about comments, I am not in good health (actually lately not well at all) If I am sitting there when comments come in I usually responded right back to them and other times I try going back and listing a note to all, but I guilty depending how bad that day is, that I do not always get to.

Feel welcome to visit me anytime, and I hope you will. (smiling)Wishing you the best and hopefully no more nasty comments to or about you. Take care!

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Hope you are one in the same, because where your link (in your post)went to, I posted the same copied comment (above) in the same place.

I like to think that I am a friendly humorous person that do not attack or write ugly vile posts about people that are NOT TRUE. Hoping I got the right person that was also attacked from Squid's site. (Elvira)

P.S. Those comments were from my readers stating that he posted untrue comments about me and unjustly too. It is sad, because I liked him, his posts, and comments to my site - he could have easily written me an email stating what HE thought was a problem from me, but instead made a complete evil post about me instead.

 
At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Squid said...

This was just a simple misunderstanding. However, I'm glad that Suzie is here now. I hope all of your "faithful drones" go to her virus infested site and crash. You guys were meant for each other.

As far as my "worshipping" Satan, you couldn't be more wrong. I appreciate and respect his sardonic sense of humor. I like to banter with people. It makes me happy. To have the power over someone to piss them off or ruin their day is awesome!

But alas, my dear I've vested too much time into you and your tunnel-visionist mindset. Your pathetic attempts to bag on my lack of comments on my blog does not hurt me, for I am not a stat whore unlike you. I REALLY could care less if anyone visits my blog. Anytime you want, you can suck a fart out of my ass.

The thing that I really hate about people like you is your use of "big words" as an attempt to try and make yourself seem "smarter". I too have a dictionary and a thesaurus handy. Watch I can do it too, you cunt:
A lack of punitave castigation by belaboring with a solitary quantifer of coniferous xylem tends to dispel the aggregate morals of the developing adeolescent...

Suck on that you truculent bitch!

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Squiddles:

Ah, your comment kind of speaks for itself. And you do tend to repeat yourself quite a bit. However:

Perhaps, as you say, you couldn't care less about whether people comment to or visit your site.

However, you do seem to care very, very deeply about me, and I do appreciate it. And you certainly do have a spirtual and emotional virus: the virus of hate.

I do not bandy "big words" around for their own sake. I am a writer--have been one for years--and choose the right word for the occasion. I'm sorry you apparently didn't understand what sycophant meant, but if you go to the dictionary, I do believe you'll see a picture of yourself next to the definition. It fits you to a "t." But I'm not a snob: words like cunt, fart, and fuck have their place as well, but in my case I prefer to use them more judiciously.

Aside from that, editing a post after the fact in a pathetic attempt to make yourself look like less of a raving asshole is both cowardly and dishonest. In addition, you've done Suzie the grave disservice of perhaps scaring others away from checking out her site. A simple misunderstanding my ass.

Carry on, Squidmeister--as advertised, I welcome all comments: nasty, nice, or nonsensical.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Suzie:

Thanks so much for your comments.

As I said in my comment to your site, I think Squid's viral infestation is nothing more than an example of karma coming back to bite him in his ass.

It was not my intention to be a comment nazi. But Squid the Nazi definitely has his own unsavory agenda. As he so eloquently put it:

"I like to banter with people. It makes me happy. To have the power over someone to piss them off or ruin their day is awesome!"

That, however, is not my intent--although all bets are off when it comes to a gentleman and a scholar such as Squid.

If truth be told, I'm getting a real kick out of this flamefest. I don't generally get too many flamers, and most of them put their tail between their legs and crawl away after one rejoinder from me.

I admire your perserverance, Squiddles. C'mon, punk, make my day!

However, I am sorry, Suzie, that you are not feeling well. Unfortunately, people like Squid do sometimes have the power to hurt others. They write impulsively before their brains (such as they are) are fully in gear, and they don't really care who they hurt and malign along the way.

As far as comment guilt--as I said, I've been there too. It can be hard to keep up with responses to comments, and everyone has their own style.

But I will faithfully respond to any further comments from any and everyone, including and especially any more words of love and wisdom from my new fave rave(r), Squiddly.

 
At 1:01 PM, Anonymous wendyjgibbs said...

As squid's wife, I really have to say that all you chicks are really overreacting. But, it's all good. Elvira, your stats have improved just as Suzie's have.

So, from the bottom of our hearts, a very sincere "You're welcome."

As for Satan, screw him, he left us and broke my little blogger heart. Beside, I don't believe for a second that you Elvira, or anyone else caused him to stop blogging. He had his own reasons.

Now ladies...chill out.

 
At 1:23 PM, Anonymous wendyjgibbs said...

Oops

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Wendy said...

Ok, in the above comments I logged in under user name instead of my blogger name...

a curse is upon my house...this is the "real me"...

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Wendy:

Thanks very much for your thoughtful and reasoned comment.

As for overreacting, this is how I see it.

For every action, there is a reaction.

For every cause, there is an effect.

Some people may choose not to respond to flamers. Some people prefer to delete comments to their site that they find offensive.

That, of course, is their choice. I prefer to allow everyone to say their piece, as I say mine.

Luckily, the First Amendment is still in effect. A good thing too, for something tells me that your hubby would ban any site that he disliked if he had the power to do so.

Thank you, also, for your reality check concerning Satan. I am fairly certain he is getting a giggle out of this, and will be back amonst you soon. He is, indeed, powerful enough to get everyone into quite a tizzy due to his abrupt absence. A bit cruel and manipulative? Perhaps. But life goes on.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Thanks for the comment here and over my way.

Favor please return I have a special note for you...thank you for everything.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger fugusashi said...

Wendy said:
"Besides, I don't believe for a second that you Elvira, or anyone else caused him to stop blogging. He had his own reasons."

I agree with Wendy's statement. Noone knows the real reason "Satan" has decided to take a sabbatical. I've done it before, many people have. It's just blogging for goodness sake, not heart surgery. Noone's going to die if a blogger takes a break. I miss him, yes, but Geez...Let's move on already.

 
At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Squid said...

I have thought about the words so as not to damage your fragile existence. My TRUTHFUL statement about Suzie's viral infested blog could have damaged her and her serious heart condition. Not to mention you, Elvira and your delicate balance. I should have known better than to sink myself to your level and taken the high road, but you make such a nice little target.

Concering Satan, he's a douche. I enjoyed our incorporeal banter, but alas an alak, 'tis no more. I, too am a writer, however, I do not feel the need to superflutiously sprinkle words in my comments to gregariously engratiate my ego.

Rather, I choose to utilize words that people actually use. You call me a sycophant and tell me to look it up? OK:

syc-o-phant: n. a self-seeking, servile, flatterer, fawning parasite
(Actually doesn't that definition more closely resemble you? Whining and bitching bcause you are not getting your feelings coddled?)

As I have over-stated NUMEROUS times, I'm not out to be number one blogger. I could give a fuck less if people comment on my site. I do not believe in censorship, however I do believe in admitting when I am wrong. Could you do the same thing? You called me a worshipper of Satan. Yet I called him a cunt PRIOR to your snarky bitch session. If I was trying to engratiate myself to Satan, why then would I punk him out? Would that action qualify as sycophantic? I believe, my dear, YOU owe ME an apology. And since you brought up the "look it up in the dictionary" idea. Here's one for you. I believe you will find a picture of yourself next to it:

FUCKTARD...

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Elvira,
Below is a pasted comment from one of my faithful readers....for certain ones to understand hopefully.

Suzie, he's full of crap.

Your blog is hosted on Blogger, not your personal computer. There's no way for anyone upload viruses to their Blogger page. You'd have to make a direct link to something, and we'd have to click on it to download anything. He's an angry fool looking for someone to blame.


Perhaps someone will learn something about viruses!!!

 
At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did learn something about viruses: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUZIE...

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Dearest Squiddles:

I am touched by your concern about Suzie and her heart condition, and your admirable self-restraint toward me in this, your latest comment.

Once again, I marvel at your insistence on repeating yourself incessantly . Usually, those who do so cannot think of anything new and original to say. And I think you protesteth a bit too much. I think you, as most bloggers do, enjoy and welcome readers and comments. Why else would you bother to publish a blog in the first place?

I admire your sterling vocabulary, but I regret that I must respecfully suggest that when usiing words, it is helpful to choose the right ones.

Here's what you wrote (very impressive);

I, too am a writer, however, I do not feel the need to superflutiously sprinkle words in my comments to gregariously engratiate my ego.

Here's my edits (every writer, no matter how great, can use a good copyeditor):

I do not feel the need to superfluously sprinkle words in my comments to gratuitously ingratiate my ego.

If I were editing your upcoming blockbuster, I think I would also shitcan the word ingratiate. Perhaps feed or bloat or stoke might fit better there. But at least I corrected your spelling. God (and the devil), as they say, is in the details.

You certainly are gregarious, however. I have to hand you that.

Fucktard--I like that. Although I've heard that that's an Australian term of endearment.

Here's another thing you might like to research:

Borderline personality disorder.

In part, sufferers of this condition tend to have a slavish devotion to others, and deify them--UNTIL the object of their worship displeases them.

Once that happens, love and adoration quickly turns to hate in a nanosecond.

Hence the great and mighty Satan is now dismissed as a douche. Calling him a cunt for abandoning you was just a preliminary sign of things to come.

Of course, I can never hope to fill the much adored Satan's shoes, but you are certainly welcome to use my site for your clever banter, poor substitute as it may be, until Satan makes his triumphant return.

I am "man" enough to apologize when it is warranted. In this case, it most certainly is not.

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger fugusashi said...

I would respond to Suzies comment, but this is Elvira's blog, so I will refrain.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Paula:

Oops--sorry I didn't respond to your comment first, but I was so excited to hear word from my good pal Squid that I lost my head for a moment.

Well put. But for those who cannot or will not move on, you are welcome to continue to comment here.

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Suzie:

Thanks for your latest comments. I will come by your blog as soon as I'm finished here.

Hmmm. Anonymous--wonder who that could be. One would think that someone with such a helpful hint (or is it command?) to stay away from Suzie's blog would at least leave their name so others could thank him/her/it.

Suzie, I hope I am not too forward, but even though I've just met you, I adore you already.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger fugusashi said...

I like your blog, Elvira.

About this Satan thing...I love blog drama. I followed comments at Diana Crabtree before she closed them. In my opinion, there is a puzzle piece missing.

Honestly, I think Satan has taken a fishing trip to Queensland, but decided to make a dramatic exit. Fishing sounds so boring, no?

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Ditto to you! ELVIRA...I adore you too-minute by minute - more and more!! (smiling)

I am right here if you need me, but you are so sharp and so right on!!

I despise evil doers, bullies, tormenters, etc. etc. etc. and ones that victimized others by being liars or any other form of evil acts.

He can not hold a candle to YOU....and your comebacks!! (smiling)Way to go!!!!!

Sent you an email and left comment for you, oh btw Squid think twice before coming to my site! (LOL)
We don't need anymore blame games, just blame all your problems on me okay!! No big deal....I don't want any of your readers anyway esp. Satan or any other person that supports evil.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger fugusashi said...

"Suzie",

Your comment has caused me to vomit in my mouth.

I will translate it for everyone else: "Come to my blog, where I will smite you with a trojan horse virus...tee,hee."

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger surly girl said...

i have no idea what is going on here. elvira - you get my mail? are we speaking?

as for the rest of it? feh.

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Paula:

I think Satan's fans are somewhat fond of conspiracy theories and such. However:

Just as I doubt Satan could give a flying fuck about me,

I similarly doubt that Suzie is the Typhoid Mary of the Internet.

I, for one, am eternally grateful I have a Mac, since from what I hear, they are virtually virus-proof. Nevertheless, I am having no probs with Suzie's site.

Perhaps it is one of those "smart" viruses that only attacks nasty folk with bad vibes.

P.S.: Please tell your hubby to come back soon--I really miss him and am starting to enter a serious depression because he (sob) hasn't sent me (bah) any comments in the past hour or so--though I've waited breathlessly by the computer for his latest missive-----comment-whore that I am.

Alas (sigh) Squiddles is already taken.

For others who wrote: I will reply shortly. Right now, however, I am a bit too stoned, and also drunk with unrequited (definition: unreturned) love for my Squiddy-Widdy.

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Paula:

I deeply apologize for referring to Squid as your hubby. Talk about a gaffe!

As I said before, I am simply too lovelorn to respond coherently at this time.

I hope you don't have the same romantic designs on Squiddy as I do, because I am very good in a catfight.

 
At 5:54 PM, Anonymous paula said...

If bad vibes were the requirement for getting viruses, your computer would be toast by now. Facts are, Suzie's blog gave me a virus.

As for Squiddley, I have no designs on him. Help yourself.

Btw, your blog etiquette is spectacular!

 
At 6:22 PM, Anonymous Squid said...

Thank you so much for your 2 cents, Elvirus. Your knack of butchering my work was splendid. I wish I had more to say to you, but alas, all those Calculus and differential equation classes have pushed all that useless verbage out of my head. I wish to bifurcate from this discourse. Sure, I didn't spell a few words correctly, but I wasn't researching them in the dictionary either. Superfluitously using "big words" doesn't make you smarter or better, rather it makes you seem pretencious and stand-offish. There was an episode of "The Family Guy" where Peter overheard some stuffed shirts say "I find that shallow and padantic." For the remainder of the show, he kept saying everything was "shallow and padantic." You, remind me of him in that you spout words that you do not mean. I still disagree with your label of me as a "sicophant". You are wrong; You're refusal to admit when you are wrong, my dear, make you a "jenny"...

As far as Suzie's comment:
"...btw Squid think twice before coming to my site! (LOL)"

NO FUCKING SHIT! I DO NOT NEED TO REFORMAT MY FUCKING COMPUTER AGAIN THANKS TO YOUR FUCKING BLOG! TWICE IS ENOUGH FOR ME. I LEARNED MY LESSON...

Oh, Elvirus, you are right to wait to visit Suzie's site. Get your virus updates installed first. It's not that I give 2 shits about you, it's just that I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I did...

 
At 6:32 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Paula apparently you choked on your own vomit by what comes out of your mouth!! You and your evil bunch are nothing but liars....and I could care less about visiting your damn site.

I wish NOW I would have been responsible for zapping your ass and giving you a damn virus and more!! WTF!

Say whatever lies you want...I am beginning to find this quite amusing....you are a sick bitch.



HEY ELVIRA....you crack me up, just checking in...and laughing my ass off at these idiots and mainly your comebacks.... I hope HE- that worm emerges too...can't wait, made me a drink and I feel my twin wanting to come out!! (LOL)Locked and Loaded!!
ELIVA you are too funny....love it.

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

P.S. Since there was a post before I finished writing mine....I have a BIG P.S. to you!!!


Someone's done stuck, an Enema...in the Wrong hole, on "ASSHOLE"..Cause, The SHIT..won't quit flowing, out of his Mouth.. that goes for you too Paula!!

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Thank you all for your further comments. However, I must first and foremost address the latest missive from my true love squid:

Thank you so much for the virus warning, my sweet--you really DO care! (sigh)....

Since you have done me such a solid, I thought I would once again slavishly serve as your faithful copyeditor. I'm only doing it because I luv u:

Here, once again, are my humble editorial suggestions.

Thank you so much for your 2 cents, Elvirus.

I like it, baby!

Your knack of

Edit: knack for

butchering my work was splendid. I wish I had more to say to you, but alas, all those Calculus and differential equation classes have pushed all that useless verbage

Edit: verbiage

out of my head. I wish to bifurcate from this discourse. Sure, I didn't spell a few words correctly, but I wasn't researching them in the dictionary either.

I don't need to research them in the dictionary, my dearest. I was born with a thesauris in my mouth.

Superfluitously

Superfluously...although I think gratuitously would be "le mot juste" here

using "big words" doesn't make you smarter or better, rather it makes you seem pretencious

pretentious

and stand-offish.

Stand-offish? Haven't I yet proved my devotion to you, my precious?

There was an episode of "The Family Guy"

Ah yes, that's where I get all my historical/cultural refs from as well

where Peter overheard some stuffed shirts

I'd prefer (with a bow to you) elitist fucktards

say "I find that shallow and padantic."

Edit: pedantic

For the remainder of the show, he kept saying everything was "shallow and padantic."

Eidt: pedantic

You, remind me of him in that you spout words that you do not mean.

Oh, I mean them; believe me I do--every precious word

I still disagree with your label of me as a "sicophant".

sychophant

You are wrong; You're

Your

refusal to admit when you are wrong, my dear, make you a "jenny"...

I'm afraid you've stumped me on that last one.

As far as Suzie's comment:
"...btw Squid think twice before coming to my site! (LOL)"

NO FUCKING SHIT! I DO NOT NEED TO REFORMAT MY FUCKING COMPUTER AGAIN THANKS TO YOUR FUCKING BLOG! TWICE IS ENOUGH FOR ME. I LEARNED MY LESSON...

FAR FUCKIN FREAKING FUCKING COCKSUCKING MUTHAFUCKIN OUT, MY MAN!!!!

Oh, Elvirus, you are right to wait to visit Suzie's site.

I didn't wait--I visited several times already, and emerged uninfected and otherwise unscathed.

Get your virus updates installed first

They are already hardwired into Herman, my trusty and might Mac PowerBook G4.

It's not that I give 2 shits about you,

One will do just as well

it's just that I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I did...

A lobotomy?

I breathlessly await your every misspelled and misused word, my sweet love.

6:22 PM

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Well said Elvira....still laughing here!! Actually laughing my ass off!!

It was like what one of my readers said....

He got the virus confused with his STD!! (LOL)

 
At 12:45 AM, Blogger jane said...

Wow Elvira, you've got a live one going here. You're so eloquent with your words though, way beyond Satan. You remind me of Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) in Pulp Fiction with your vast knowledge of the bible.

Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

:)

 
At 1:22 AM, Anonymous Squid said...

Suzie,
FOR THE LAST TIME: your site infected my computers twice. I used to post to your blog and it was fine. Remember? I said some nice things and had a few comments that brought a smile to your face. You posted a special message to me, as a friend. I listed your site on my blog as one that I read daily. So why all of a sudden would I decide to post lies? Was there any provocation? Was there any malicious words exchanged? Do you REALLY think that I would just out of the clear blue decide that (your) blog was the root of all evil? Do you really think that I have nothing better to do? Really? Think long and hard about it. Does that make sense? Why would I suddenly turn 180 degrees on you and your otherwise GREAT blog? I had proof but I decided to f-disk my computer and start over instead rather than propagate the viral infections. I stated my case albeit a bit harshly. I rephrased my post and apologized. The funny thing though is it actually helped your stats didn’t it? Well good for you! You are well on your way to be number one blog.
I’m glad this little fiasco has increased the traffic to your site. Really, I’m happy for you. I wish to end the discussion now, please. I want to return to posting stories about shitting in cowboy hats and the time my cat dosed a yellow microdot. Please accept my apologies for the heartache I’ve caused by my FACT-BASED statements. I didn’t make this up; I had nothing to gain. I posted in anger and then retracted a few days later, but as Elvirus pointed out nobody comments on my page anyway. I apologized for my actions and will do so again, as posting in anger was a poor choice on my part.

Someday you’ll thank me for this. I just hope I have enough anti-virus protection to accept your “thank you” present…
I’m done…

It was good; it was fun, but it wasn’t good fun.

 
At 1:23 AM, Anonymous Squid said...

Witch bringz mee 2 Lviruh,
Wen eye poz2 a blog, it iz meye rite 2 say wutevr eye wunt. U kin hak an kut it howevr U C fit 2 dew sew. Eye relize now that U hav nutin betr 2 dew than tri 2 a sume thut U R thee onlee 1 who kin rite gudr. Bye ur las post eye kin C that U R obibivisilly betr at uzin a gramer progrum then eye. U C wen eye poz2 a blog, eye dew knot re-reed the postin 2 insur that eye dun spelt errythin rite. Rather, eye bang out a few wurds an rite wut eye feal at the tyme. Eye dunt kopee an payst 2 a spel chekr furst. Eye do knot kur if’n U wanna keyrect me. I axualy tuk arithmatic korses in kolege, not grammer onna kont uv eye wuz likin’ 2 hav victuals. U kinna eat a buk ov poeatree nor dew inglish litt buks feed a famalee. (Wilyum Shakspere kin fuk a goat fer all eye kar.)

I wish U well inna UR litle wurld ov prefecshunizm; izza gunna bee a lonlee playse becuz UR persunalitee an demeener will macke folks not wanna spit onna U if’n U wuz 2 ketch far. Theyz jus’ sit bak an luuk at the purdy flamz az U die…


You have yet to apologize for INCORRECTLY labeling me. I chose to admit when I was wrong and I apologized. People like you can never admit when you are wrong. I studied (your kind) in abnormal psyche. (FYI, a “jenny” is the feminine name for an ass.)

I never claimed to be a “stellar writer”. I do not profess to know the unabridged dictionary. I do not proclaim to be able to spell all of the 287,000 words of the English language*. Nor do I get my ego stroked correcting gerund agreements in other’s writing. You have your areas of “expertise” and I have mine. It all boils down to the fact that you feel the need to berate and belittle those who choose to oppose YOUR narcissistic views. This marriage is over. I do not wish to have an exchange with someone whose best “rebuttal” is an attack on my spelling and sentence structure. GRAMMAR: THAT’S ALL YOU GOT, BITCH…

Perhaps if I was flexible enough to put my cranium in my anus I could see the world from your vantage point. I cannot do so, so I will bid you adieu…

*(I have better things to do than count them all or google the correct number, so bite me.)

 
At 2:57 AM, Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

DAAAAMN!!! All of my slack in keeping up with blog-reading (during Cymbalta withdrawal and being a worthless, lazy-ass bitch) seems to have left me clueless about the current fray! Elvira, I'm SO sorry you're having to put up with this shit! It sounds like whoever the fuck Satan is, he/she is being a childish retard, and as for this squid individual: do I sense more than a tad of jealousy towards you?

What the fuck ever; those kind of games are tiring, aren't they?

I'm behind you 100% through all of this, dear, and I'm not afraid to stand beside you and throw large words in the face of your enemies either. :-)

(g'night),
ariK

 
At 3:37 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Oh, Squiddly!

I decided to take a nap and get my "beauty" sleep for you, but my heart beat faster once again when I awoke and saw TWO messages from you in my in-box! Alas, they were not really both for me, but I digress:

I'm sorry, my precious, but I do not have a Gibberish-to-English dictionary, so I am struggling to muddle through here. Please forgive my ignorance of your native tongue, my sweet lover.

I am a demure lass when in love, and so I will only chide you gently by assuring you that I do not use any tools, spell checks, etc. etc. I make typos too, on occasion--I just don't embrace it as my personal style or turn it into an art form as you do. But all great writers--the ones who are remembered for generations to come--are characterized by their bracing originality and stellar innovation. I apologize for copyediting your words--

but wait: they go beyond mere words; they are precious pearls, the brightest of diamonds, n all that gud stuf.

Permit me to quote you again, dearest heart:

"Wen eye poz2 a blog, it iz meye rite 2 say wutevr eye wunt."

Ah, so you do agree with me then! I went to a blog, and I posted what I wanted, and it was my right! I'm so glad we're on the same page at long last.

I axualy tuk arithmatic korses in kolege, not grammer onna kont uv eye wuz likin’ 2 hav victuals. U kinna eat a buk ov poeatree nor dew inglish litt buks feed a famalee.

I think in years to come, when you achieve the fame you so richly deserve as an acclaimed author, that scholars will still be debating the true meaning of phrases such as the one above. But let me take a stab at it.

I didn't know they offered arithmetic in college.

You think that correct use of the English language will not help pay the bills and feed a family. Exactly how much did you say "unemployed serf" (I think that was the description in your profile, but I don't recall for cetain) earns nowadays?

PS--I made quite a decent little living as a writer.

My personality and demeanor seem to have served me well enough thus far. However, I do see the error of my ways now. Henceforth, I vow to post footnotes for any words that exceed two syllables and that are not readily understood by those who have not yet received their (junior) high school diplomas. I regret that I have been too big of a snob to consider this small but nonetheless worthy percentage of my readership.

Which label did I incorrectly bestow on you: being a sycophant or having borderline personality disorder?

I do apologize for the fact that I seem to have missed where and when you made an apology.

(One of) my majors in college was psych, but I must have fallen asleep in class the day they went over the term "jenny." I will consult my shrink's DSM the next time I visit him.

I can (and do) admit when I am wrong. Pray tell, what did I do wrong, sugarplum?

Allow me to quote you once again:

" It all boils down to the fact that you feel the need to berate and belittle those who choose to oppose YOUR narcissistic views."

Ah, so berate and belittle must have been your (double) major in college....I cannot pretend to be the master of all things mean-spirited and hateful as you are, sweet lover. But as you so eloquently point out, we all have our areas of "expertise."

And again, I quote:

"Perhaps if I was flexible enough to put my cranium in my anus I could see the world from your vantage point. I cannot do so, so I will bid you adieu…"

I love a man who so modestly underplays his own unique gifts. Not only are you flexible enough to put your cranium up your anus, but you are equally adept at putting your foot in your mouth, and, I daresay, sucking your own dick as well.

So I hope you will relent and return to the new, improved Shithouse rat for the mentally, emotionally, and, yes, morally challenged.

As far as Satan goes, all I can say is, Oh ye of little faith! Satan is only following in the footsteps of our great Prez George Dubyah and taking a much needed vacation from his adoring worshippers. Too bad that, just like our fearless leader, he refuses to cut his vacation short when his constituents need him most. Satan, your minions are going into full fledged withdrawal!

As I said, however, I try my best to answer any and all comments. So if you do find some time in between battling evil viruses and penning your own tales about "shitting in cowboy hats and the time my cat dosed a yellow microdot." do pay me another visit. Just think of me as the sorely maligned substitute teacher trying to tame an unruly class.

Fare thee well, my luciously loquacious love....

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Squiddles my dearest:

Ah, but wait! I haven't responded to your lovely post to Suzie. Allow me to add my--as you say--2 cents here.

This situation may, once again, be a symptom of borderline personality disorder. You liked Suzie and her blog; posted to it; linked to it (?); bookmarked it.

But now, you imagine that she has done you grievous harm. In a flash--blink and you'll miss it--she is now nothing more than a scheming, malicious cunt-fart. In your words, you did a complete 180. Have I got it about right?

Since this seems to be one of those "he said, she said" conundrums, perhaps we should call the Geek Squad in to do a thorough, impartial inquiry--kind of like the 911 commission but for cyberspace. Heaven knows, we've already heard plenty from the goon squad.

A hearty thank you is certainly in order for boosting other's traffic. Unfortunately, your blog does not quite have the clout of, say, BoingBoing as of yet, but I'm sure that is just a matter of time.

Suzie may or may not thank you later, but I for one would like to thank you, here and now. You have created a pleasant and bracing diversion from my normal, "boring" posts on the current Administration and other equally superfluous nonsense. You have brought a smile to my lips and a song to my heart. Satan is a very lucky devil indeed.

Oh, and thanks for offering your expert services as a consultant when they installed the new spam blocker gibberish identification thing. Muspwigh right back at you!

 
At 4:54 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Now that I have rested, I will attempt to respond to all others who have kindly commented here. If I forgot anyone, please let me know.

Paula:
Thank you. I'm sure there is a puzzle piece missing, but I don't pretend to know what goes on behind closed e-mail inboxes. I assume Diana and Satan have talked amongst themselves at some point--or perhaps not. Who's to say?

I've checked Herman the Mac again, but he seems to be doing a-ok. He has a super-bitchin' immune system, bless his little cyber heart.

Surly girl:
We be cool. I'll write again asap.

Jane:
Thank you. Indeed, I had that verse in my mind and heart from the get go. However, I am trying to follow the ways of the loving, forgiving God, rather than the vengeful, wrathful Old Testament God.

Furthermore, after that inimitable verse has been spoken, you and I both know what unhappy fate befalls the hapless listener. Amen.

AriK:
Ah, I was hoping you'd come by! Thank you so much. BTW: as one BP to another, what do you think of my borderline personality disorder diagnosis of Squid? I am not a shrink, but I do believe I've run into this type a few times before--and you know who I'm talking about...

This other prototype of all things borderline initially adored my site--in fact, I'm the one who encouraged him to start a blog too. Anyone who cared to plumb the archives would see that my former friend until the end could never say enough good words about me.

But now, alas, he has forsaken me, in part because I dared to disagree with hiim via a comment I made to his blog. Although I had defended his often un-pc comments in the past as a mere "joke," and only offered the gentlest and most good-humored comment where I dared to state that I differed with his opinion, his wrath was indeed a mighty thing to behold.

Even after my many (unwarranted) apologies, both on the blog and via e-mail, things were never the same, and shortly thereafter he was gone.

But lo and behold, he did turn up like a piece of old dogshit on Satan's blog in a sniveling attempt to lick the desolate one's gnarly asshole while simultaneously starting the "rumor" that I had done Satan in.

I have seen the blog-devil, and his name is Henry.

Squid--
if you're still reading, you might want to buddy up with old Henry. He is a true blue friend--not til the end, but you can take it while you can get it. He may even be able to teach you a thing or two about a thing or two about being a true borderline phreak. He represents, I believe, the picture perfect DSM model for this disorder. But no matter how much he begs you, do not offer up your phone number or address. I wouldn't want you to get hurt, because Henry does indeed own GUNS, and is exceedingly proud of the fact as well.

Suzie:
Thank you again, my friend. I will try to post the comment to your site that Blogger wouldn't let me add before. Blogger can be tempermental that way.

 
At 5:29 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Squid:

My dearest dear, if you are still reading my humble offerings, allow me to express a word of admiration for your continuing edits to your blog.

I noticed that now your previously re-edited post about Suzie's evil virus, complete with fuck you's sprinkled liberally as is your wont, is gone. Vanished. No more. Kaput.

It takes a big man to apologize in such a big manner. You were apparently so remorseful that you simply removed all evidence of the crime.

This technique does ring a bell for me--I believe it's the same one used in totalitarian regimes. When a new fascist dictator rises to power, all traces of the old boss are removed from photos and documents. Very 1984-ish--rewriting history and all.

As I said, Henry is your true soulmate. His technique, at the bitter end, involved taunting me with a few nasty e-mails, but simultaneously closing me off from his e-mail account and his blog so I could not defend myself. A brave move indeed.

So carry on with your abridged and bowlderized (not sure of the spelling there, but as I said, I do not use spell-check) little blog. And do give a big wet kiss to Henry for me--on his unwiped, hairy, disease-ridden ass.

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Oh, and one last thing, Squiddle dee dee:

I know you are doing some drastic slash edits both at your own site (and at Satan's, where you deleted your sweet comment to me), but if you come back here and try to delete your own comments, rest assured that I will seriously consider devoting a separate post dedicated solely to the assorted wit and wisdom of Squiddles.

For I hath copied all the comments and stored them safely away for posterity and righteousness' sake.

I know how you eschew (def: avoid) the limelight and all, and don't give a "flying Fuck" about whether anyone reads and comments to your site, but I for one must rescue you from your excessive immodesty. Unlike you and your evil twin Henry, I do not believe in censorship.

You are truly a gem. Thanks so much for all the fun and laughs--and I mean that sincerely.

Don't ever change....

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger NYCbeauty said...

good for you. Too many people only post nice things on comments. It should be an area for discourse.

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

Well ELvira, I would most DEFINITELY have to say that borderline issues = right on (by my interpretation anyway); heheh...can't wait to see myself flamed for THIS one by some of "the festive little people" (you know who y'all are) here. :-)

(Sorry I've been "Away" from the block; I'm better with it now; oh, I'll send you an email later tonight to touch base? You can also berate and/or advise me with regard to something stupid I may have done).

Have a great day...back to work for me!

ariK

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger Nikky Egland said...

Wow, I have the same problem! I must be a mean, cruel little bitch too! PS what the hell kind of name is "squid?" who came up with that?

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger JC said...

Please, please don't smote me...even a little bit. I guess you are all powerful. I just didn't realize....

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

Hey sistah, please do not smite me, either! :-)

I must confess that I have been one cranky bitch today and thus engaged in insulting a redneck commenter over at Brad's; what the hell, in this case, I think he deserved it. ;-)

Later, take care, have an excellent evening!
ariK

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Herein, a "final," general observation concerning a generally delightful guy named Squid:

Despite my most vigorous and persistent efforts, Squidly did manage to rain on my parade just a tad by (allegedly, of course) doing a little nip and tuck on my blog as well.

Looking back over this comments section, it does seem that one of his most vitriolic messages--the very first one he regurgitated for this post-- is now gone--vanished--cosmetically removed like the malignant, unsightly growth that it was.

I guess he whitewashed that one out while I was napping.

In any case, the end result is that my measured reply was wrenched cruelly asunder from its rightful context, making it appear as if I was talking to myself.

I hate when that happens!

Just for the record, the post said something about:

Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one but most people have the sense to cover theirs up;

I get my panties in a bunch and get very very hurt when people don't respond to my comments;

Yet another tiresome tirade about how he doesn't give a fuck if anyone reads his blog or comments;

And lastly, if memory serves, a profanity laced final paragraph, complete with the heartfelt rationale that he was just trying to get me, the fucking cunt, to THINK.

Unfortunately, since Squid, once again, has (allegedly) chosen to rewrite history, I have no proof other than my memory to reconstruct this exchange, and thus have been forced to paraphrase.

I guess he must have known how anal I am about censorship and trying to keep all my i's dotted and my t's crossed.

Sure, it's a stupid and silly game here, involving a stupid and silly man, but out in the real world, when this kind of thing happens, it's not always quite that amusing or trivial.

For example, I seem to remember a lot of similar resistance to full disclosure of the record elsewhere--hmmm--do the 911 commission hearings ring any bells here?

Some people sure can play dirty, but they don't like to play fair.

A petty annoyance in an obnoxious, albeit otherwise harmless (?) blogger--a potential matter of life and death in more powerful hands.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

NYC Beauty:
Ahh...(free and unfettered) discourse...my thoughts exactly.

AriadneK:
Thank you for backing up my quick and dirty diagnosis. Of course, I'm not a doctor, but from what I and others of my mentally ill ilk have experienced, shrinks are no better at interpreting the tea leaves of the DSM than you or I. After all, when it comes to crazy folk, it sometimes takes one to know one, n'est pas?

Nikky:
Mean, cruel little bitch is the industry-standard epitaph for all women who have the balls to stand up and defend themselves against mentally, emotionally, and morally challenged bullies and buffoons.

As for the name Squid--kind of endearing, innit? If you click on his link, you will find that it is short for something along the lines of sqiddilicious testicles (sorry, if I get out of this comment box to check, this message will self-destruct.) And no, I'm not making this up.

However, Squid has made things a little less convenient by omitting the profile link from his later comments. They are (thus far) still intact on his earlier ones.

JC and Ariadnek:
I do not smoteth the righteous ones. I saveth up my smoting for those who hath most grievously and unjustly offended(ith) me.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Correction to my last comment:

Epithet, not epitaph...see Squids? I make mistakes too--but I'm not too terrified to admit it.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Holy shit:

Blogger is being a total bitch to me today and won't let me republish anything, let alone even think about posting. It's like having my legs cut off!

Could it be something diabolical in the air?

Why yes...

Satan has returned!

And guess what, Satanettes?

It had nothing to do with me!

He was on vacation.

Over and out.

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger jane said...

Satan has reared his ugly head again, eh? The fact that his blog is named for deformed testicles says bunches to me! Sounds like this one may be headed to the Testicle Festival afterall.

Elvira, I loveth it when you talketh like Jules :)

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Jane:

OMG! Mustn't malign Satan!

Just to clarify:

Satan's blog is called "The Seventh Rim of Hell," I believe.

Squid's is "Squidward Testicles," or something to that effect.

Render unto Satan that which is Satan's; render unto Squiddles what is so rightfully Squiddles.

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger merkley??? said...

i think i see me a dead horse. lucky i brung my bat!

i heard 'bout this little scriff from down over yonder and i could smell the eggy smell waftin' through the dump so i couldn't help but mozy on over n'see what all the tadoo was about.

i have to say it was a pretty good tango as tangos go, although it wasn't as clear as it might've been as t'who was leadin' and who was stampin' toes like on that dance show they got with them movie stars on tv..

but i'm sure it's no newsflush to nunbuddy -- you know, about the escalations and whatnots and wherefores and cheekturns and pokebacks and pass the mustards with the wrong kinda please that ya jist know don't really mean please...

but ya know, sometimes, when you get some funny tounged accents involved, it can be awful temptin' to mumble to yourself;

"man them there's a coupla strange and exotic differnt typa birds"

-- of course, then you laugh to yourself in your tickley brain when you notice them both sportin' purdy black and blue feathers and they are indeedly weedly flocking together and then you stab yourself in the ear with your palm pilot stylus because --- duh --- and then and then and then....

eeeewwww, there's brown junk on my palm pilot dealie now.

BLOG FIGHT!!!

 
At 4:26 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

merkley???:

Thanks for your comment. From the bit I've read of your blog recently, I must say you don't sound quite yourself. Are you looking California but feeling Texarkana?

In any case, thank you for stopping by.

 

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