My pity party

Silent Assassin
Originally uploaded by **Anna.

For the first time in ages, I find myself almost at a loss for words. I'm finding it hard to write and blog right now, and I regret that I haven't been following up on comments, though I always deeply appreciate them.

Although I do talk about my life here, I don't consider this a classic "confessional" blog. I think there's a lot that I hold back, and I hide behind stylized "essays" rather than really letting it all out most of the time.

One of the things I usually only touch on, if I mention it at all, is my bipolar disorder--in part because since I've been blogging, I've often felt at least normal if not downright hypomanic. But now I'm clearly in a slump, and though I assume it's just a fleeting thing there's always the fear that it could lead to something more serious in terms of a downward mood swing. All I know is that for the past week or so the joy and excitement of blogging has not been there for me, and I don't seem to have the energy or will to do much blog-wise.

One of the things that is stressing me out is that over seven years after my breakup with my ex-boyfriend of 20 years, we are finally getting ready to sell our coop so we can each buy a place of our own. A few months ago, shortly after we started planning the sale, "L" was diagnosed with myotonic dystrophy. In a nutshell, his manual dexterity is deteriorating, and he's prone to falls. He may eventually wind up in a wheelchair, and he may not live past 65, since this condition tends to shorten one's lifespan. So I feel guilty about the fact that we're going through with this move, though I try to keep in mind that I deserve to truly have a place of my own--and he seems fine with it.

As I've mentioned before, with each month of blogging, I've become more of a shut in, and I'm not eating right or exercising. Plus there's the smoking. But part of me feels like the state of the world is so messed up that I wouldn't be at all surprised if it may all be "over" in a "flash" in apocalyptic fashion--so what's the diff if I smoke like a chimney?

In this frame of mind, I couldn't help but think--as I often do--of my all time favorite poem by W. B. Yeats. I first discovered it back in high school, and it has haunted me ever since. To me it is--and will forever remain--the most chilling yet bleakly beautful prediction of unspeakable horrors and woes yet to come.

THE SECOND COMING
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all convictions, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

--William Butler Yeats


During the past year or so, it has occurred to me again and again that if I believed in that sort of thing, what's been happening in the world today would surely have convinced me that the End Times are at hand. (Yes, there have been horrors in our world since time immemorial, but being human, of course I see things from the narrow perspective of my personal knowlege, experience, and Zeitgiest.)

Devastating hurricanes; uncontrollable wildfires; tsunamis; earthquakes; another deadly virus poised to morph into a pandemic; a well nigh unwinnable war with Iraq; Iran's implacable anti-Semitic stance; the worldwide scourge of terrorism and the rogue trading in nuclear materials; the Mohammed cartoon debacle; the port controversy...need I go on?

In any case, I hope that I will soon be able to get back into the swing of things and visit and comment to my blogpals more often, as well as getting back into replying to comments in a timely fashion.

In fact, just writing this makes me feel better already.