Shithouse rat

I'm a bipolar writer in the Naked City. I'm not playing with a full deck. I don't have all my dots on the dice. My cheese is sliding off my cracker. I don't have both oars in the water. I'm a bubble off plum. In other words, I'm crazier than a shithouse rat. These are my stories. Comments--short or long, nasty or nice--always welcome!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Still alive...


sleeping cat
Originally uploaded by mjd-s.
Yes, I'm still out there somewhere. I've been going through a down-ish period for awhile where I don't seem to have the wherewithal to write anything. I've jotted down some ideas from time to time, and a minute ago I started a post, but I just don't seem to have it in me to complete it at this point.

Part of it is that I have certain standards in my writing, and what I started to compose seemed boring and trite. This may or may not be true, but in my present state of ennui I can't work up much enthusiasm for anything. I suspect that the mood stablilizers may be a partial culprit, but even if they're inducing this twilight zone of emotional flatness, I'd be terrified to stop taking them because they may very well be all that lies between me and insanity (read: full-blown, psychotic depression) right now.

Even e-mailing is hard, due to both a paucity of enthusiasm and a lack of much to say, other than my standard litany of kvetching, and how many times can you repeat that shit? I used to live for e-mails, and get frustrated when I didn't get a return mail or got a very short one back. But now I can go weeks without responding to the couple of regular e-mail pals I have right now.

Well, maybe it's a good sign that I even got this far with a "post," such as it is. I guess I'll try again when I'm up to it.

29 Comments:

At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Nick said...

It's nice to see you post again. ;)

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger fugusashi said...

Hang in there! I've been struggling with my own demons, so I sympathize with you.

I love the kitty picture.

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger fugusashi said...

hahaha!

I just had to come back to look at that cat.

It's killing me!

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger Reverend Z said...

Lack of interest in things is rough. The temption to get off the meds to feel is even rougher. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

 
At 4:44 PM, Anonymous jane said...

Oh my gosh woman, I was just coming here to say IT'S TIME TO TELL US HOW YOU ARE. And bless your heart, you did it. I'm glad you're okay. I can totally relate with the picture of that cat, lol, alive but ummmm...not quite up to par. Take it easy & thanks for letting us know you're alright.

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger Walker said...

YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

I knew you would be back :)
I understand what you mean about your standards and I have put myself through some stuff doing it they way i want to but there sometimes it doesnt have to be perfect sometimes it just has to be you.
The way you feel and not the way you fel like writing it or the way it should be written.
I have missed coming here to read YOU.
I so have many of us.
:)

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger dan said...

You used the word 'ennui'. In proper context.

See. It's not all bad.

:)

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger e.e. said...

(as I quickly go look up 'ennui'....)
;)

I have been thru what you are goin' thru. I bet many of us have.
You're not alone.
Just remember how fabulous you are, how incredibly smart and creative you are (still looking up 'ennui'....)
... and that we luv you anyway.
Post or no post.

 
At 12:32 AM, Blogger !ce said...

I am glad to see a new post. Does this mean that the old apartment has been sold?

It seems to me that reviewers used to utilize the word "ennui" whilst reviewing Linda Ronstadt albums. I wonder why.

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger Glen Boyd said...

Where are you Elvira? I've missed you on Blogcritics.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Hey Nick:

Thanks for stopping by!

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Paula:

Isn't that cat a riot? S/he looks dead, but apparently really was just asleep at the wheel. Hope you can conquer your demons too til they lie down and give up--just like kitty.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Reverend Z:

You put your finger on it exactly. I know you can relate--hope things are going well with you.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Jane:

Thank you, my friend. You are one of the most caring, compassionate people I've met in cyberspace, hands down.

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Walker:

As always, you know how to say all the right things. I've been lurking a bit at your site, which shows you how dysfunctional I've been--usually I can't keep my big trap shut and have to comment on everything. I'll make my presence known at your site again soon enough! Hope you're having fun on your secret trip.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Dan:

I feel like "ennui" has been my middle name during this period. How about "Weltzschmerz?" Anyone?

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

ee:

Wow--what a sweet thing to say! I think I'm starting to feel better...

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Ice:

Has the apt been sold? I only wish. My roomate can't do anything without me being there, and I have to babysit BG's cat this week since he's visiting his folks in Ohio.

Hopefully, when critics mention ennui in a Linda Rondstadt review, they're talking about how evocatively she expresses this state of mind--rather than invoking that state of mind in the listener.

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Glen:

You must be psychic, my fellow BC'er! I've just now put an article, at long last, into the BC pending pile--and I think it actually doesn't suck! I'll probably reprint it here after it gets published over there. Thanks so much for stopping by.

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger Smiley said...

:)

 
At 2:20 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Smiley:

Thanks for the smile!

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Glen Boyd said...

Nice to see you back Elvira

 
At 7:16 PM, Anonymous The Celebration said...

Nice post ...the cat is really cute ...its position makes me lough a lot!

 
At 1:56 PM, Anonymous hoping said...

I have to recognize that when I saw the picture I was so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. Seeing the cat, I have enjoyed some good relaxing moments. Thank you for posting it!

 
At 4:47 AM, Anonymous Flowers online said...

I’ve just got out of the same status you are in. It will pass! You just have to fight your own ego sometimes.

 
At 11:34 PM, Anonymous Goldir said...

Welcome back among the living Elvira. I'm just wondering, do you have resolutions of some other deep kind of change of heart after troublesome times? Like Bono says: "it's just a moment, this time will pass"

 
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous onlineRealEstate said...

THe photo is the best.! I cannot stop myself from laughing...Is that your cat!?

 
At 4:36 AM, Anonymous PandaPub said...

It's great to have you back, Elvira! Don't you ever quit on us like that, ok? Or if you're having too much fun to take care of your blog, drop a little note "having fun, DND"

 
At 10:52 AM, Anonymous Michael said...

You're still alive Elvira, really? Man, that's good news! Try to stay so! It's fun here... alive
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