Shithouse rat

I'm a bipolar writer in the Naked City. I'm not playing with a full deck. I don't have all my dots on the dice. My cheese is sliding off my cracker. I don't have both oars in the water. I'm a bubble off plum. In other words, I'm crazier than a shithouse rat. These are my stories. Comments--short or long, nasty or nice--always welcome!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Who the fuck is phuck yu?

Seems that at least one little corner of the internet is all abuzz over this clever new blogger, Phuck Yu. I've been receiving frantic messages from people who are, frankly, puzzled at his sudden appearance on their blogs like a thief in the night, spreading sunshine to all.

Well, whoever you may be, Phuk Yu, I must tell you right now that I adore you.

True, I've only just met you, but the thing is that you remind me very very much of another blogger I am mad about. Sadly, he is taken, and our love can never, ever be.

You share so many of the endearing qualities of "Mr. X" that I am absolutely reeling with utmost tenderness for you. My only hope is that you are not also taken, like the other object of my ardent affection.

Since so many of your new friends seem to be people somehow connected with the adorable little fray that's been going on here--of which "Mr. X" played such a major part--I have the feeling that you must know "Mr. X" pretty well. Tell me, Phuck Yu, are you his brother or perhaps his "special friend?" Please don't break my heart by telling me that you and "Mr. X" share the love that dare not speak its name. Please, Phuck Yu, if you are gay and are tangled up with "Mr. X" in a sordid affair, please don't continue! He is a married man, and if they divorce, I am next in line for his attentions.

How do I love thee, Phuck Yu? Let me count the ways:

Like "Mr. X," you have the most fetching way of mispelling words.

You share Mr. X's adorable trait of being quite the prankster, with no regard at all for anyone, even those who have serious health conditions which respond poorly to stress.

You have the same penchant for racy words such as cunt, whore, bitch, etc. etc.

Your name and the name of your blog share the same bawdy, exhilaratingly racy titles as "Mr X"'s.

There is a certain je ne said quoi about you that already drives me to distraction. And I am so very glad that you are becoming fast friends with so many of the same people who have become my blogpals in the past few days, courtesy of Henry, Miss "Thing", and "Mr. X." And from what I hear, you are also buddying up to some of my older friends as well.

So if you are reading this, Phuck Yu, please do let me know that my love is not in vain. I don't think I can go through that heartache twice in one week.

Please, please be mine!

17 Comments:

At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Trisha said...

I can't believe you! (smiling)

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Trisha:

Yes, I can't quite believe me either, but that is just what happens, I suppose, when the love bug bites.

Oh yes, I almost forgot one of Phuck Yu's most yummy traits which he also shares with "Mr. X"--namely, his habit of leaving little love notes and then deleting them! Now you see him, now you don't! Well, look out Phuck Yu--it's very hard to stop a lovesick woman like me from chasing you down! Love will find a way...

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger Phuck Yu said...

Phuck Yu is an enema wrapped in a girdle. No, wait, Phuck Yu is an enigma wraped in a riddle! That's it.

E, youre fawning over me has caused me to look into your sordid past. Or is that sorted? Anywho, I just can't find nothing about psychology in my DM handbook. I even went through my Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon Master's guide and couldn't find none of that fancy talk you was spouting. I like to play with dice. It keeps my wrist flexable, if you know what I mean. I'm sure you do!

Until next time,
Phuck Yu and the Whores You Rode in on

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

This is going to get REALLY TIRING if this fuckwad continues to post. I seriously have issues with people who have the intellectual capacity of a boiled turnip. In this case, Phuck You may have managed what I thought until now to be impossible: actually demonstrating brain power less than that of aforementioned turnip!

Intelligent guys turn me on. Morons might as well drop dead.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

It is amazing how the ONES that are deprived of attention pop up stating something they think people will notice them with...actually ones I know just skip over the nasty/evil remarks and totally ignore....as if they do not even exist. Being lured to their evil is not my thing!

But I love the way you can put them in the their place, while their toes and body shrivel up....like a cross on a vampire!

Go Girl!! Your awesome!!

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

(Excuse me folks, should I have said "phuckwad" instead?) ;-) MWUHAHAHA!

 
At 11:00 PM, Anonymous Squid said...

Elvira,

It's amazing. There are tons of grammatical and "speling" errors in others posts, yet you only seem to attack the only one that challenged your "superority". (I added that in for you since your only counterpoints to anything I write are to edit sentance structure and spellin'.) Yes I know sentence - duh - can you note sarcasm? Can you? Apparently not. The whole thing was when you posted to Satan, baggin' on Henry and said "..narccisstic comment -- sorry for the big word...". It just really bothered me that you would condescend like that.


(FLAGRANT RUN-ON NOTICE)
Now that the secret is out that Suzie and I had the whole thing cooked up to bring visitors to her site, to try and get her some well-wishers for her crisis, you choose to ignore the fact that SHE is not withholding her end of the bargin and has instead chose to ignore me and ask me to stop posting to her site. Does that not that smack of boderline personality disorder? She turned on me...

Oh well. This experiment has gone haywire. Thanks Suzie. Thanks for nothing...

Friends to the end, and my friend, this is the end...

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Does that mean LIKE THE END of SQUID???

It totally amazes me on how someone named SQUID posted twice on their blog about claiming getting a virus from me, but still remain to pop up on my site with a comment here and there!!

And the other two (wife & Paula) that pass notes on the computer in the same house including Squid - state they rec'd viruses as well...now they are editing and taking up new personalities and identities!! Too confusing for me!

Personality disorder?? duh??? Look in the mirror Squid and ask who you are today?? On second thought, that may scare you on what you may see...bad idea!!

Go play and find new friends!!

 
At 1:45 AM, Blogger jane said...

wow phuck you is HOT! if he won't be yours, maybe he'll be mine?

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

I'll get back to these comments soon...

 
At 1:25 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Trisha:

BTW: That's some blogger profile you have there. I considered deleting it, but I do hate censorship, as you know. Are you Squiddles's sister?

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Phuck yu:

I will respectfully refrain from commenting on your comments, since I don't like to speak poorly of the dead. At least you went out with a...um...splash--if you get my drift (wink, wink).

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Ariadnek:

Ah yes, but turnips can't masturbate to death--now that takes style!

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Suzie:

Thanks. Having been unjustly attacked by the unholy ones, I just decided to engage full throttle in this little blog-jihad. But it looks like it's wound down, with a few whines, whimpers and digs from various websites which shall remain nameless.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Squiddie-poo:

My boyfriend never went to college--couldn't afford to. He is a terrible speller. He mispronounces and misuses "big words," too. But he has something some others will never have--that is very hard to teach--moral and emotional literacy.

I'm sorry you're so upset that I may have hurt Henry's feelings. Why don't you go visit him and comfort him in person? Wear something casual, but sexy.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Suzie:

It is a puzzlement, isn't it?

Paula living in the same house? Wow, that opens up some intriguing new questions for me--we should chat about it sometime. Don't want to stir up the pot again here.

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Jane:

I really did have my heart set on that hunk, but as I've said, sadly enough, I think he is no longer among us. Just when you think you've nabbed a good one, they up and die on you. Typical man, right? Anything to wriggle out of a commitment.

 

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