Shithouse rat

I'm a bipolar writer in the Naked City. I'm not playing with a full deck. I don't have all my dots on the dice. My cheese is sliding off my cracker. I don't have both oars in the water. I'm a bubble off plum. In other words, I'm crazier than a shithouse rat. These are my stories. Comments--short or long, nasty or nice--always welcome!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Cleaning out the Shithouse


iPoop -Mock iPod Ad
Originally uploaded by kissthis.
Well, I guess there's a limit to how much you can really say about Chinese food, isn't there? So here's a few mental turds that have been floating and swirling around my shithouse...er...brain. May as well flush them out.

THE NEW AOL COMMERCIAL---LOVE IT
There's this new AOL commercial with a nerdy guy I think is really cool and (if I weren't taken) I'd even say is totally hot. Know the one I mean? He's an AOL pimp telling everyone about all the virus protection and features of the new AOL and a little guy speaks up for the whole skeptical group, firing questions off at him:

Spam?
Blocked!
Viruses?
Crushed!
Firewall?
Always.
World domination?
Absolutely.

On a similar note, I love those Geek Squad ads where the nerds descend from the sky and parachute down, rushing to a damsel in distress when her cry reverberates throughout the land after her computer crashes. (No, No. Nooooooooo!) I can only dream about what a wonderful world it would be if this really happened. At my office, our geek squad consisted of one disgruntled, bitter employee who played favorites. You had to kiss ass bigtime with this bitch if you wanted your e-mail account fixed or your hard drive replaced. That reminds me, I killed my hard drive once. It gave out a loud groan that lasted a few excruciating minutes and then...silence. I still have guilt about it to this day. Therapy hasn't helped.

THE NEW SAMSUNG CAMCORDER COMMERCIAL--HATE IT
There's this new Samsung commercial with a little goofy corporate newbie, fantasizing about how he's going to rise to the top with his little Samsung camcorder. First he shows his boss the pictures he took of the office Christmas party, where his boss was frolicking around with a lampshade on his head. He gets the corner office and a company Jaguar. Then he e-mails the Vice President and shows him pix of another party where the Vice President is grabbing someone's tits or something embarassing. He gets assigned to the Mediterranean account. Then he's on the company jet with the CEO who asks him to bring his camcorder to the next office party. Meanwhile, geek boy is trying to get a good crotch shot of the dishy flight attendant as she passes by.

This little wet behind the ears, young whippersnapper represents all that I think is wrong with our youth today. (Gets up on soapbox). Don't these young punks know that it takes years of backstabbing, lying, and cheating to rise to the top of your profession? You've got to pay your dues in this world. Sheesh.

COMMENT TORMENT
You know when you go to your e-mail and see like 10 new messages and get all excited? Since I answer comments in batches, I hate it when I open up the mailbox and see they're all from me--since Blogger e-mails you back your own comments as well as everyone else's. Good morning, heartache!

THE SEVEN YEAR BITCH
You know when your boyfriend of seven years exhibits zero respect and sympathy for your blogging jones and constantly harangues you to to "turn off that stupid toy before I rip it out of the wall?"

Oh, sorry. That's just me and BG.

WHO IS BUSH'S BITCH?
Bush has been doing a lot of damage control speeches, talking about how he will stay the course in Iraq. There was a shot of him at the podium during one of these apologias, and standing next to him was some weird lady in a bizarre hat. She looked like some crazy old woman who has 20 cats. Please, someone, tell me--who was that lady? Another misbegotten Supreme Court nominee?

GOD-FEARING PHARMACISTS
You've head the hubbub about the pharmacists who are refusing to fill birth control prescriptions, right? All I can suggest is that when women have unwanted pregnancies because of this guy that they carry the baby to term and present the newborn to the pharmacist to raise. Let's see how long he squalks about the "sanctity of life" when he's involuntarily adopted all the squalling babies in the neighborhood.

Ahhh, that feels better.....

24 Comments:

At 9:24 AM, Blogger !ce said...

I wish more real life men were anywhere near as helpful as the guy answering the questions in the AOL commercial. Yes, I do realize that this would defy the laws of nature.

The Samsung commercial is stupid, but true in one way. I think as long as somebody is able to cozy up to the higher-ups, job security is a given.

I don't even think of comments. I think that I might be receiving actual e-mails, and it turns out to be comments I have posted. Kind of a disappointment.

Men who don't know their place should be killed. My theory is that men are like puppies: you have to establish dominance early or they will. Then they get all aggressive and uncooperative. The puppies, too.

I purposely don't watch those things. My mother likes to sometimes, but she also likes Fox News. My friend and I had a short discussion recently about Fox News. He confessed that he watches sometimes just to see what they're saying. Back to main point, if she was that close, she was obviously one of those stupid Republicans.

I think that if your pharmacist is being dumb in any way, you should ask for their manager. If that doesn't get anywhere, there is always the option of seeing whether the police could do anything. I say that if the pharmacy is somewhere like CVS, Target, Walmart, etc., there shouldn't even be a discussion. They should just fall in line like they're supposed to.

Some people accuse me of being aggressive and having an anger problem. I'm not sure. My friend has said on a several occasions that he is against violence of any type and doesn't see why I need to carry a knife. Fortunately, he doesn't mind it enough to interfere with the friendship.

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Boy I need to clean out my shithouse too....It read as if it felt so good!! (smiling) Perhaps while I am at it...the closet will get it...along w/the rest of the junk here.

Happy Hanukkah...and hoping 2006 will be the best ever!!

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger dan said...

What I want to know (and this may just be my 6'4" self talking out of my ass here) is why do the Geek Squad Guys always drive Volkswagen Beetles?

Most guys I know in a geeky situation are tall and gawky... Not exactly a good combination.

And if Best Buy's Headquarters is less than 10 miles from my home, and there are 3 Best Buys stores in that same radius, how come I've never seen a Geek Squad car actually on the road?

Yeah, I know. I have issues.

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Ice:

Men in real life are usually only as helpful as the AOL guy when they're looking to get laid. (Just kidding--I think).

The Samsung guy just looks so stupid and gawky and smug I want to strangle him and throw him out the window of that corporate jet while I film the whole thing with his Samsung vidcam.

I watch Fox news sometimes too. There's one show, Hannity? and Colmes where they have a liberal and a conservative host, which is interesting. But I mostly watch CNN.

As far as the pharmacy debacle, it seems like some of the superstores (or at least one) defended the guy in question and said it was ok because to make him fill the prescription would go against his religious beliefs. I say too bad. Find another profession or suck it up.

I know some people carry knives, which I guess is better than carrying guns. Sometimes it just provides a feeling of security in just case you get attacked, but since you have anger issues, I'm just glad I'm staying on your good side.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Suzie:

Cleaning of any kind feels good, but sometimes it's hard to do!

Happy holidays (since it's after Christmas--lol), happy New Year--all the best!

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Dan:

I don't think they have Geek Squads in NYC, since I guess they only geek around in the big stores like Best Buy. My bubble was burst long ago when someone told me the geeks are sullen and stuck up, and just walk around in those white shirts with a Geek Squad badge but aren't humble and nice like the TV ones.

I thought geeks came in all heights. Maybe it depends on their diet.

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger Walker said...

Geeks who try and take crotch shots of anyone should just get a life.
In fact if they would just grow up and pursue someone with a little more respect there might be the possiblily of them getting some real crotch instead of poking at their view screen for some action.

As for anyone one trying to dominate me or chastising me for what I like to do (unless I am being unreasonable) they are gonna have lots of grief trying.
I think that no one should stop someone from persuing a benine pleasure.
As I am commenting here Lisa is writing a post so we are not leaving our partner sitting alone doing nothing.

I find that if I wait and do all my comments at once I only get one or two email of me answering my comments.

Pharmacist have no say about refilling prescriptions as I see it.
They are performing a duty by filling a prescription. If they can't haddle that then maybe they should get another job like pan handling.

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger !ce said...

My friend is that helpful in real life, but he's a rare exception in a lot of ways. For example, most heterosexual men probably wouldn't like me complimenting their body parts.

Smug men make me think of violence and death. Oh, how we miss seeing Betty Broderick. She should've been found not guilty or found guilty of a lesser charge.

I don't really watch or read news. I don't trust it. I hate the stories anyway. Who cares whether Bush has another tacky photo-op or Britney has a new hairstyle?

I totally agree with you. If the pharmacist doesn't want to fill my prescriptions because he has similar views to Tom Cruise, does that mean I should respect his delusions enough to not jump across the counter? I think not.

I will admit having trust issues, but how certain are we about anger issues? This reminds me, though, of how I've often wished I had a gang. Unfortunately, not much opportunity around here. Having a gang would be hot because then a group of us could come together and rule the streets. Am I right?

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger Justine said...

That own-comment-emails is pretty harsh. Sometime it seems like when I'm most hankering for a bit of activity, its a ghost town out there!

Kooky - I'd take that as a compliment I guess :-)

That ad - how juvenile.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Walker:

I think I was using a little poetic license when I said the Samsung guy was taking crotch shots. But it looked way stupid in any case--here he is with the CEO and he's holding his camcorder up, gawking as the flight attendant makes her way down the aisle. What an ambitious kid. Putz.

Wow, you must be in NZ already? And you guys are co-blogging--cool!

I don't like to be chastized for my blogging addiction, but the thing is that like all addicts I NEED HELP. BG is trying the tough love approach to save me from myself.

I like the idea of the conscientious objector/anti-birth control pharmacists out there panhandling. These fanatics are misinformed, misbegotten, mysogynistic morons. Go get a cup and beg, already!

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Ice:

Burning question: does your friend now, or has your friend ever, had a girlfriend?

Ice a gang leader? Dear lord. OK, whatever you want, Iceman.

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger elvira black said...

Justine:

Kooky is my middle name, so yes, I love kooky.

An empty in-box makes me want to weep. Like I said, I need help.

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger !ce said...

Yes, he has had a girlfriend for the last two years. Why do you ask?

You don't think I would excel at that?

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger jessie said...

mental turds? how interesting, i didnt realize thats what they're called! cute!

 
At 9:02 PM, Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

Don't even get me started on those sanctimonious pharmacists. They should be put out of business...I'd like to see them squirt a kid out of their dicks.

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Ice:

What woman would go with a guy who has poo poo on his hands? Guess he must resemble Brad Pitt to get away with that one.

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Jessie:

I find it's good to get the mental turds out of the shithouse every now and then before they clog everything up.

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

newyorkmoments:

These twisted pharamacists are a real menace to society. It is part of a church/state trend which is alarming and infuriating me. Don't get me started either--lol--I may post on the right to life right wing hypocrites later.

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

you know you can turn that blogger setting off where it emails you every comment; right? that would drives me loony if I got an email for every comment on my blog.

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

webmiztris:

Yeah, I know the comment e-mail thing is optional, but sometimes people will comment on an old post and this way it's easier to keep track of. I just check off the Elvira e-mails from my in box and delete them all in one swoop. But yeah, judging from the number of comments you receive from Blogger and Haloscan schizos alike, I hear you!

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger !ce said...

Not exactly Brad Pitt, but definitely beautiful. You can see a sensitivity and nurturing in him that you could never see in someone like Brad.

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Ice:

Once again, you've wriggled out of my question. Who is this girlfriend who doesn't mind the doo doo digits? Spill it!

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger !ce said...

I've never actually met her, but supposedly they sleep in the same bed, so she must not have any problem with that.

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger !ce said...

No comment on the girlfriend? Come on, Elvira, you're holding out. Actually, I've said that same thing to my friend, but that was a little different. I need to get him something see through when his birthday comes around or maybe mine.

 

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