Shithouse rat

I'm a bipolar writer in the Naked City. I'm not playing with a full deck. I don't have all my dots on the dice. My cheese is sliding off my cracker. I don't have both oars in the water. I'm a bubble off plum. In other words, I'm crazier than a shithouse rat. These are my stories. Comments--short or long, nasty or nice--always welcome!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy blogyear!

New Year's Eve - Times Square 2005
Originally uploaded by UB1.
"For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
~T.S. Eliot

This past year, I did the following:

Starting blogging.

Became addicted to blogging.

Missed a season or two completely due to being indoors blogging.

Stopped eating right.

Eschewed exercise.

Smoked more cigs than ever before.

Started partying again after BG quit AA.

Started the process of preparing to sell the coop I co-own with my ex boyfriend so I can get a new one of my own.

And, um, that's about it.

But although I plan to undertake some additional activities in the coming year, I have no plans to give up blogging, because it is truly one of the best things that has ever happened to me. After writing for a living for many years, I finally have a forum where I can write what I damn well please, for the fun of it. As a bonus, I've met a lot of really cool blog pals.

Ever have one of those periods in your life where you wake up each morning totally glad to be alive? When those feel good endorphins in your brain give you that ineffible natural high? I've felt that way after realizing I'm in love; during periods of hypomania; after getting published, especially for the first time; after purchasing my Manhattan coop and celebrating my first Christmas there. Stuff like that.

Well, that's how I feel every morning (sometimes in the wee hours) when I start up Herman the Mac. In many ways, I feel like I was born at just the right time. Being a baby boomer, I grew up with TV, but also loved books and music with a passion. Similarly, I went through college and grad school without benefit of the internet. When computers started to be used at my job, they were very crude tools, which grew more sophisticated year after year. The fact that I witnessed the exponential progression of the personal computer first hand makes me appreciate it all the more.

Anyway, like many of you, I've made some New Year's resolutions. I want to try to live a more normal life again--getting out, spending more quality time with BG, maybe even meeting some local bloggers in the flesh. Exercising, eating right, cutting down on the cigs. Getting a brand new place. All that happy horseshit.

But one thing I will continue to do is blog, even as I try to control my addiction a bit. No matter how much BG rails and rants about my "stupid toy," writing is as important to me as painting is to him. To paraphrase Charlton Heston, they'll have to pry my cold, dead fingers off this keyboard before I give it up. Conversely, I hope for his sake that BG will set aside more time to paint, even at the expense of his obsessive cleaning and working out and fretting (and on again, off again partying).

So to all my blog pals, I hope you had a great year. I hope your resolutions bear fruit. And I hope we'll still all be visiting and commenting to each other's sites, same time next year.

Have a happy and healthy New Year, my new friends!


At 12:37 AM, Blogger !ce said...

I am looking more forward to 2006. In fact, I'm starting it off right. My friend left a message earlier for me to call him, and I tried a few times, and he kept ignoring me, so I'm going to get back at everyone who fucks with me simultaneously by convincingly faking suicide. The funny thing is that someone else I know kind of gave me the nudge on this one. He said that if I normally call people often, and nobody hears from me for several days, they will really start to think about it and become concerned. I don't get to speak with him all the time, but when I do, he sometimes has some pearls of wisdom. Besides, it's cheaper than buying paint, tennis balls, and gloves. I know that some of the moralists out there might disagree with this course of action, but one of the major pros of mental illness is knowing from one's own personal experience what it takes to seem even more self-destructive than one currently is in reality.

At 2:45 AM, Blogger digibrill said...

Here's to you and yours. A champagne toast! (11:44 PM PST 31 Dec 05)

At 11:43 AM, Blogger elvira black said...


Things are looking good for even more whack from the Iceman in 2006. If you didn't comment for awhile I might go hunt you down and send e-mails under different aliases too. But I know you wouldn't do that to me, would you?

Can't stop marvelling and obsessing over your friend almost as much as you are. Thing is, if he has a girlfriend, just how much time can he devote to your friendship at the level you seem to want? Plus, not to sound like gramma Elvira again, but when do you find time to do your schoolwork and all?

At 11:44 AM, Blogger elvira black said...


A happy, safe, healthy, blessed New Year to you and yours as well. Party on!

At 12:16 PM, Blogger Swifty said...

"Ever have one of those periods in your life where you wake up each morning totally glad to be alive?"

Kind of, but it usually occurs s short time after waking up, when I'm over the local park walking the dogs. If I've obeyed the 'rules' laying off alcohol and eaten modestly the evening before, then I can be relaxed enough to experience the kind of peace that brings profound joy. It's a pity it's so short-lived.

My wish for 2006 is to experience more of the same, only sustained.

Do I ask for too much?

Happy New Year!

At 12:48 PM, Blogger elvira black said...


Joy can sometimes be pretty ephemeral, but I can relate to the moments you speak of. I'm just fortunate enough right now to be doing something that makes me feel happy and purposeful every day.

I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to have those feelings last longer than a moment--not at all! Hope you can cultivate more of that "high" this coming year.

Happy New Year to you!

At 2:57 PM, Blogger fugusashi said...


I'm so glad that you're blogging. Yes, we need to live more...but only so that we can blog more!

I really love it when a blogger's post gets me in touch with what I'm thinking and feeling at the moment. This is such a post.

Pardon me while I blog.

My high school English teacher told me that I should do four things: Read, read, read, and keep a journal.

Well, I did read, but I was never able to keep a journal. After all these years, blogging has finally enabled me to journal. I've written almost everyday, at least once a week at worst, and I've finally gotten used to people reading my stuff, which was very difficult for me in the beginning. But it's also very important. As I drivel on, I'm slowly, very slowly, finding my voice. It's never too late!

I care about writing. When I read something that is well written, and helps me feel and understand, it makes me want to do the same thing for other people.

Blogging is awesome.

At 5:23 PM, Blogger The Blind-Winger Jones said...

Yay !

Cool post Elvira... I've got bitten by the blogging bug as well since I started back in October I think it was. Despite my little set-back on Friday I'm still enjoying it.

Thanks for helping these first few months in the blogosphere be so damn enjoyable.

You think, therefore you blog, so please don't ever stop.

At 5:49 PM, Blogger !ce said...

It was an interesting morning. I expect a large directory assistance bill next month. I used directory assistance to get his grandmother's phone number and address as he was visiting that area this weekend. I was enraged with confrontation on my mind. I was about 1/4 of the way there, but something made me turn around. As I did, I slowly realized how far I had gone in an emotional sense. I still left some messages screaming like a drill seargeant for him to call me. As I was driving back, he called me. Apparently, he had left that message earlier in the day and I was simply slow in receiving it. We talked for an hour and a half and we basically apologized to each other. We're kind of cool except that he doesn't have as much trust and doesn't want to hang out as much. He has said that he wants to rebuild the trust and closeness that we had. He also said he wants to help me in whatever way he can. He wants to meet in the library next week and go over treatment options for BPD. He is also going to call me Wednesday. He said that between now and then he wants to contemplate his feelings for me and read a little bit more about BPD. He's started giving me some exercises to try to help me learn not to give in to some of my tendencies. He has also said that he would prefer that I not commit suicide.

At 8:28 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

blogging is pretty cool, huh? now if only someone would invent a better word than 'blogging'. LOL

At 9:44 PM, Blogger Leesa said...

Happy New Year!

At 10:12 PM, Blogger Timothy said...

I hope you have a great 2006! I am looking forward to reading lots of great blogs on here!

At 1:54 AM, Blogger mrshellonheels said...

Elvira, I love your blog, keep a blogging girl! Happpppyyyyy New Year!!! Wooohooo

At 2:00 AM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Happy New Year

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Nikky Egland said...

I am trying to follow through with my resolutions this year, so wish me luck!

At 6:37 AM, Blogger elvira black said...


What you said!

To me, reading and writing are two sides of the same coin. I too didn't find my voice for a long time. Though I kept a journal of gibberish for years, I seldom went back to it to peruse. They just wound up in my closet in a box.

For many years, the writing I did do was academic in nature--you know, the stuff only other academics might read. It's taken me years and years to try to get over the stiff, formal writing "voice" I've had since high school at least. I just love the fact that I can write about whatever I want, from my own point of view, and actually give and get feedback from my new blog pals.

I'm so glad you started blogging--for yourself, and for readers like me, who can now get a glimpse into your life and thoughts. Great stuff, P!

At 6:41 AM, Blogger elvira black said...


That incident you described about losing your blog would have made me lose my mind--for as you say, you think, therefore you blog.

I love the photos you and your wife take and share on your sites. I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful area of the world in my life, and it makes me feel like I'm really there too. And your essays are so insightful and thought provoking. Blog on, M!

At 6:47 AM, Blogger elvira black said...


I'm glad things are going better with your friend, but I'm frustrated by the fact that I never get answers to my burning questions (I don't think). Like, how does this guy have the time to hang with you so much if he has a girlfriend? Where and when does she fit in? Do you ever hang with her too?

And once again, I'll ask: when do you find time to go to classes, etc? Shit, when I was in college I partied and screwed around plenty, but I did take time out to do my work occasionally too.

It would be so interesting if you could go into what's going on at school and with your friend (in terms of dynamics) and your experience with borderline personality disorder on your blog.

Plus, perhaps you could do "diva of the day" posts of all your favorite singers. Like, I feel very Mariah today or something like that.

Well, hope things go ok with your friend. It's nice that he's willing to look into your disorder too. Sounds like a really good person to have in your corner.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger elvira black said...


Actually, one of BG's brothers has thought of a better name for "blog" --perhaps because he has no real idea of what a blog is. When I told him about my blog, he kept trying to remember what it was called the next time we spoke. First he called it a "blob" and then a "glob." Catchy, no?

At 6:52 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

Leesa, Timothy, MrsHellonhells, Jack's shack:

Happy, happy New Year to you all! Love you guys!

At 6:54 AM, Blogger elvira black said...


I've already broken all of my resolutions, and it's only, like, the 4th of Jan. Well, I guess I'll just keep trying, and wish you good luck with yours!

At 12:43 PM, Blogger !ce said...

They live together and take trips together.

He's almost introduced us a few times, but she's ended up having to work.

School is out until January 9.

I figured that the BPD was kind of automatically in there by proxy.

I like the "diva of the day" idea. I may do that. The only issue is that I may change during the day.

He is a cool person. If only I could convince him that he's not totally heterosexual.

At 12:48 AM, Blogger Brink Craven said...

Hi E--I wanted to be certain to shout out a happy new year to ya and everyone else too before it becomes way too late!

have a good one everybody!

As of just a few minutes ago, the Texas Longhorns are the national champs! hook em' !!!!
now theres somethin to celebrate --yeah aint it pitiful? haha

At 6:06 PM, Blogger !ce said...

No comeback?


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